Brian Croft has some great questions at Practical Shepherding on pastors and weddings. He asks “What are the boundary lines to determine whether a pastor can/should conduct a wedding?” That’s a great question for a pastor to really think through. I think Brian asks some good questions and offers some good advice for us to apply. When it comes to the question of whether or not pastors should perform weddings, the most common explanations I have heard are as follows:
- They won’t perform a wedding for a believer and a non-believer
- They won’t perform a wedding for people living together
I have no reservations about the first statement, as Paul seems pretty clear in 2 Cor. 6:14 that unequally yoked relationships are not something Christians should participate in, so I’m assuming pastors shouldn’t perform those weddings. That being said, how that gets fleshed out and what makes a couple “unequally yoked” may not be quite how many assume.
For me, the most helpful explanation of good wedding principles was written by D.A. Carson – Counsel to a Young Church Planter on Marriage. Carson lays out some really wise (and biblically informed) thoughts on why taking the “traditional” stand against performing weddings for “sinners” seems to be based on some assumptions that need to be challenged. You really need to read Carson’s article if you are interested in whether pastors should perform weddings under certain circumstances.
What do you think? What kind of guidelines do you think pastors should take, and why?
Luke is a pastor-theologian living in northern California, serving as a co-lead pastor with his life, Dawn, at the Red Bluff Vineyard. Father of five amazing kids, when Luke isn’t hanging with his family, reading or writing theology, he moonlights as a fly fishing guide for Confluence Outfitters. He blogs regularly at LukeGeraty.com and regularly contributes to his YouTube channel.
What about guidelines re: maturity, unhealthy relational dynamics, etc.? When does one step in when two Christians seem to be marrying each other for all the wrong reasons? I suppose this might correspond to a discussion of how much pre-marital counsel is to be received before performing a ceremony for church members. Guidelines might be different for marrying others who ask a pastor to help them, but I’m quite interested in what guidelines w/in the church might best be. I’ve seen so many ill-advised unions steamroll forward. I know some of it resists being helped, but to what extent should a pastor be a gatekeeper?
Here’s why I do/require and how I’d answer some of your questions:
First, in order for me to perform anyone’s wedding, every potential couple has to commit to attending six pre-marital coaching type of meetings. They each last for about an hour and a half and I mostly spend time teaching skills related to proper communication as well as discussions involving loving and serving one another, sex, finances, etc. I actually help the couples also work through some of the “baggage” from their past by way of a counseling tool I learned that involves “family trees.”
Each couple determines how much time is spent on some of the secondary issues as younger couples may need more help with finances… it’s almost always dependent upon the needs of the couple.
I do the same thing for both Christian and non-Christian couples, though with different goals. For Christians, I want to build them up in Christ and help them to have a marriage that exalts God. For non-Christians, I want to frame everything in a way that shows that doing things God’s way is best… but I cover the same “problems” and the same “solutions.”
Now, I tell every couple that I’m under NO obligation to perform a wedding just because I do the pre-marital. If I came to the conclusion that I could not, in good conscious, perform the wedding ceremony for a couple, I wouldn’t. I’ve only had to do that once.
I believe it is imperative for churches and pastors to help shepherd/disciple people through the marriage process. We do them a disservice if we just look the other way.
So I do a lot of marriage counseling as a pastor… more than most pastors I know. I’m blessed because the majority of our congregation trusts me and it’s an area that God is blessing.
That’s awesome, Luke! It seems like we have similar minds in this regards, but I really haven’t seen it in action in churches I’m around. So I feel like I’d be the big spoil sport in a situation where I had influence to say that it needs to be done this way. Good stuff!